On parenting

A few generations ago, people weren’t stopping to contemplate whether having a child would make them happy. Having children was simply what you did. And we are lucky, today, to have choices about these matters. But the abundance of choices — whether to have kids, when, how many —may be one of the reasons parents are less happy.

That’s a quote from Why Parents Hate Parenting, a New York magazine piece published this weekend. It’s making the internet rounds, with Newsweek publishing a follow-up piece. (Also see Sonja Lyubomirsky’s Psychology Today piece Why Don’t Kids Make Us Happy?)

I had a similar conversation with my cousin(-in-law) A. on Independence Day. A nosy barbecue guest asked me — for the second time, and he ain’t even family — whether my partner and I were going to have kids. My response, of course, was an indignant “We’re not having kids,” a decision I made at 15, asked my partner about before we committed to a relationship, and haven’t changed my mind about since.

This was met with much consternation by A., who is from Niger. In Niger people still do things like have children because it’s expected. There’s a cultural imperative. He pulled me aside and said the following (edited to the gist):

Not everything is about you. Sometimes there are things that you don’t want to do that you have to do. It’s only you. Once you go, that’s it for this generation. What do your parents think?

The implication, of course, being that having children is an obligation that no one should refuse. But obligation seems like a really miserable and a really bad reason to have children. I’m not so ego-driven that I think I should leave a legacy. I am incredibly comfortable with my existential impermanence.

Children, while cute, and even fun on occasion, are a tremendous responsibility. It’s not like a car, a house, a marriage, or even a puppy. A child means at minimum, nine months of unpleasant body changes. Then you have a whole ‘nother person to take care of — a new person that needs to be fed, clothed, housed, hugged, and educated. And you gotta work to make that happen. You have to figure out how to juggle child care and work in a culture that punishes you for not being able to balance them both, but also doesn’t help you achieve that balance. By the way, have you heard how much it costs to raise a child? Dude, I’m still trying to get my money right.

Now if you do a good job, that person grows up and sticks around for, oh, another 50-60 years of your life (puppies: 20 years, TOPS). Do it wrong, and not only do you get blamed, but you have just unleashed a broken person into the world. I’m also not so ego-driven to think that my legacy would be a good one.

And this is before we even get to the environmental impact of having kids. Or the ethics of subjecting a child to the future costs of our current environmental and societal degradation (“Hey Tiff, Mike Stivic called. He wants his anti-child arguments back.”). Or the ethics of having a child for the sake of having one, not because you want one.

And then you want to tell me that not only does having children increase marital discord but it doesn’t add to your happiness? Perhaps the better question is why — given the responsibility and the odds of doing it wrong — do people choose to have kids?

But then, I’m not a parent. And I’m okay with that.

Also see: Parenting and happiness from the Economist’s Democracy in America blog.