“All the Single Ladies…”: The trainwreck of a debate about black women and marriage
So this week, Nightline decided to revisit the topic “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?”
Sigh. Please excuse me while I put my eyes back in place because you know I rolled ‘em.
A problem with the panel
Let’s begin with the panelists. Reppin’ for the ladies:
- Sherri Shepherd, a fantastic comedic actress and co-host of ABC’s The View. She is also a divorced mother of a 5 year old son.
- Jacque Reid, an experienced journalist and current reality TV show cast member. She is also single.
- Vicki Mabrey, a divorcée, the moderator, and a Nightline correspondent. Vicki didn’t say much, but she did even out the gender balance.
So speaking on behalf of the ladies, we have two journalists and a commentator / actress.
And for the menfolk:
- Steve “Thrice Married, Twice Divorced” Harvey, a comedian, actor, host of a nationally syndicated television show, and best-selling author of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
- Jimi “Twice Married, Twice Divorced, and Stays Wrong on Gender Issues” Izrael. Writer, blogger, and author of a wrong-ass book about blaming the wrong person for his relationships that went wrong. Notice my copious use of the word “wrong” and the lack of a link to his web site where everything he posts is wrong.
- Hill “Cute, Ivy-League Educated, and Successful Yet Over 40 and Still Single (And No One Called Him On That Sh*t?)” Harper, an actor, law school graduate, and author of The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships.
Notice something? These panelists’ only qualifications seem to be their fame and/or having a book to sell. Not one has an academic background that would be germane to a discussion of black people, marriage and what it means. Let me echo a criticism by Melissa Harris-Lacewell and ask “Can I get a sociologist, anthropologist, historian, or demographer please?”
Nightline‘s “Face-Off” episodes often lack academic heft. Still I wish this discussion had some statistical framing, cultural context or historical analysis. Instead it relied on personal opinion, anecdotes, and tired tropes about what men will and won’t do … again: coming from a thrice married, twice divorced man, a twice divorced man, and (to my knowledge) a never-married one. What? Man, even my 66-year-old father said that was some bullsh*t.
That said, thumbs up Sherri Shepherd. Sherri absolutely surprised me with her eloquence, humor, and ability to call the male panelists out on their bullsh*t. Yes. Sherri Shepherd was the smart one on this panel. I know, right?
A problem with the problem
My real problem, of course, is with the question, “Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man?” It’s troublesome because:
- It focuses on a narrow band of black women. Highly-educated, high income, and/or high profile black women do not make up the bulk of unmarried sisters. (Nor do highly-educated, high income, high profile black men make up the bulk of unmarried men.)
- It is a bit inaccurate. Successful black women — and I am using educational attainment as a proxy here — are actually more likely to be married than black women with a high school diploma by age 40.
- It frames single black women as a problem, but doesn’t frame single black men as a problem. Yes, roughly 42% of black women aren’t married. But neither are 43% of black men. Why does the topic of unmarried black women warrant flying six celebrities to Atlanta, filling up an auditorium, and doing all of the work involved in taping and airing an hour-long television show, but the topic of unmarried black men does not? And why do we continue to address the question in terms of what black women are doing wrong? As Harris-Lacewell put it
[T]he women participating in the panel were subjected to public scrutiny of their supposed shortcomings, while the men’s biographies were shrouded in an assumption that their maleness alone made them worthy.
- It ignores the structural and economic inequalities that make marriage a shaky proposition for black people. It’s hard to justify marrying someone who lacks the education and skills required for steady, legal employment that pays a living wage. It’s hard to justify marriage when mobility may be critical to your ability to earn.
- It assumes that marriage is beneficial to and therefore desired by black women. The reality is that too many black women have seen or experienced the effects of bad marriages, bad relationships and unequal partnerships. And many of us have decided we’d rather be single if we can’t find the kind of man we want.
Also see
- WTF? OMG! Single Black Women Are Gonna Die Alone
- Why Can’t Successful Single Black Women Find A Man? Yes. Again.
- Steve Harvey Joins Lori Gottlieb, Tells Women To Just Settle Already
- Black, Single and Breathing (My favorite line:
You aren’t getting a pass just because you didn’t get shot.
) - OMG! The Black MALE Marriage CRISIS