Tiffany B. Brown

a mish-mosh of stuff

On being engaged

Placeholder ring

A funny thing happens when people find out you are engaged: that’s the first thing anyone wants to talk about. The old Monday morning small talk question “How was your weekend?” has been replaced by “So, have you set a date yet?”

People — women especially — beam and bounce, and in some cases, squeal while excitedly sharing wedding planning advice, or their own ideas of a dream wedding. You get introduced to people as “newly engaged” as though you just won an Oscar, or discovered the cure for cancer or something. It feels a bit like being welcomed into a cult or at least the Smug Marrieds Society.*

Don’t get me wrong: I want to marry Jason. He brings kid-on-Christmas style joy and laughter to my life. He challenges me to be happy — which is very hard for me — without me feeling like I am dependent on him for it. I feel loved and supported in ways I thought unimaginable. And I have a deeper level of admiration, respect, and affection for him than I have ever had for anyone. I want to have a lifetime worth of adventures and fulfill dreams with him.

But squealing glee? People, calm. the fuck. down. For us, life is the same as it ever was. I just have something extra sparkly on my left hand on that finger to the right of my pinky.

Marriage was not a life goal for either of us. It’s something that happened, quite unexpectedly, because we each found someone we wanted to keep around.

* If you see either of us exhibit symptoms of being a Smug Married, you have my permission to slap us both.

  • http://www.chicwriter.com dcfemella

    I don't care what you say, Tiffany. I am squealing and yelling, “Congratulations!” It has to do more with the fact that you two complement each other so well, and I know you aren't settling, like many people usually do. <3

  • http://patricia-elizabeth.com Patricia Elizabeth

    I am unbelievably happy for both of you as I consider both of you fantastic and tremendous people. Your connection and love inspires me and makes me happy because, yes, two people that I like have decided to spend their lives together and how can that not be an exciting, fascinating, lovely thing? I squee (silently) about a potential happy, healthy, enduring marriage.

    I don't, however, squee over a wedding. For me, asking about wedding plans feels like an obligation, like something that is required of me, as a friend to show that I care. But, oh. Just, oh. The details. The drama. The family angst. I will listen if someone cares to share but it's not really in me to be the first one to ask, if I can help it.

    I overheard a coworker get into a screaming match with what I assume was her mother. Financial worries I think. I don't know as I didn't stick around to hear more. I just remember thinking, “WHOA. At work, really? Damn.”

  • http://shoeboxinteractive.com/ Ms Krista

    Tiffany, just curious, why does it bother you if people are happy for you? If you don't want reactions, don't tell us about it, and for goodness sake don't blog about it :-) I don't really know you guys, (but we have mutual Tweetpeeps so I end up hearing about you two by default) but clearly you have a lot of friends that love and care about your happiness; that my dear is a GIFT that a lot of couples do not have, believe me. Embrace that!
    That said, I totally agree with not wanting to field prying questions ie setting a date,etc, so it probably will serve you well to have some standard PR answers prepared.

    Love is wonderful; congratulations!

  • http://misterjt.tumblr.com/rss Jason T.

    Krista, I don't think it's about the people that know us as friends. I have been incredibly happy with our friends reacting in ways appropriate to us about this. For me, it's been acquaintances — co-workers and casual friends — who respond in this weird way that has nothing to do with me and my happiness but with their own feelings about love and marriage and their own hopes and dreams.

    That bugs. I'm not mad about it. I appreciate the well wishes from all over but, damn.

  • http://dashes.com/anil/ Anil

    Reassuring to see you say it, and I know you don't need to hear it again but: You are GODDAMN RIGHT. Don't *ever* let people try to convince you that you're getting “weddinged”, when what you're doing is getting “married”. Squealing and hopping up and down is some bullshit compared to *forever*, and that's the important and meaningful choice that you've made.

    Which is all to say, belatedly: Congratulations. It's an incredible privilege we have to meet someone who can be a partner for the rest of our lives, and to be allowed to declare our commitments publicly. I just get so resentful when people cheapen it by making it about decoration or spectacle when it's about something a lot more meaningful.

  • tiffanybbrown

    Jason mostly answered this for me.

    I'll add that getting married and planning a wedding is not all that's going on in my life or in his. Just because we're engaged doesn't mean we have our lives all planned out. It doesn't mean we want to play 20 questions about our lives. I think I'm safe in saying that the whole thing feels a bit weird and overwhelming to both of us.

    For me, it's also about that subtle subtext that I am now an adult, or soon will be, *because* I am now engaged. I don't remember people getting quite this giddy when I bought my house, though that's at least as big and significant of a commitment, no? I think that's because marriage is the stuff of fairy tales. I'm supposed to be downright giddy because I've found my Prince Charming and he gave me a ring. That rankles.

  • http://twitter.com/mediajunkie xian

    you guys rock. just sayin'.

  • tiffanybbrown

    That's it exactly, Anil. For me, it's not about the ceremony or even the decisions about who moves where and when. It's about the *commitment,* and saying “Yes, we are in this together.”

  • tiffanybbrown

    Thanks Christian :-)

  • http://twitter.com/Hashim Hashim Warren

    I got engaged in November and I immediately fell into a secret wedding society I didn't know existed.

    Only my true friends ask me how my relationship and preparation for marriage is going. Everyone else wants to know about the wedding.

    By the way, I was just watching a panel discussion from years ago and noticed that you and Jason both spoke on it. I thought that was cool.

  • http://www.lynnedjohnson.com/diary Lynne d Johnson

    I love this discussion and that when I read both you and Jason's posts — you both have similar feelings about this secret cult called “the marrieds.” I think it's why I keep so much of my personal life, so not out there. It's sort of like people saying “I'm sorry to hear that,” over and over again when someone in your family dies. I mean, it's not exactly the same thing, but it has a similar, “I don't really know what else to say,” ring to it.

    I'm happy for you two. And I only joked about where y'all were moving because of a prior conversation JT and I had, otherwise I wouldn't have even asked that. And it's not about people being nosey for y'all, I know that (you wouldn't be public with all of this if it were). It's more about people putting labels on what you have or what you are because of what they have or don't, wish they did, etc.

    I'm happy as all get out for you folks, but I care more about the story of y'all than I do about the date, the ceremony, etc. I get what y'all mean, even if no one else does.

  • Gwen

    I'll add that getting married and planning a wedding is not all that's going on in my life or in his.

    This is the part that so many people don't seem to get. When you get engaged or get married, you're still you. A whole entire person. For me, this was much more of a thing after we got married — it's like for some people I went from being Gwen to A Married, as if the extra ring on my finger turned me into an indistinguishable Borg wife unit.

    (And don't even get me started on how certain members of my family just flat-out refuse to hear that I have kept my name.)

    Anyway, I'm happy for you two because you're happy together. Whether you go to the courthouse or have a Disney Dream wedding or elope in Vegas is your own business.

  • tiffanybbrown

    Heh heh. That panel is how and why we met.

  • http://twitter.com/jovizi Jovi

    I'll spend my day creating a dollar engagement ring today. Thanks for the inspiration. That picture is wicked.

    And congratulations!

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/7CQH3WYURTVJVFU4V6CWPZ2YAA lauragindc

    OMG, you're engaged? When's the wedding? How big is your ring? Isn't planning a wedding so much fun? SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!

    :p

    No, seriously, congratulations! I think you definitely have the right attitude about weddings–its just a day, a very special day where you get to declare your lives to each other in front of family and friends, and that makes a marriage. Good luck with your wedding planning though…those things are a bitch, no matter how simple you want to keep it!