Tiffany B. Brown

a mish-mosh of stuff

Happiness is a game of low expectations

From a New York Times blog post about happiness, Danes, and expecting too much:

Danes seem to know instinctively that expectations kill happiness, leaving the rest of us unhappy un-Danes to sweat it out on the “hedonic treadmill.” That’s what researchers call the tendency to constantly ratchet up our expectations, a sort of emotional inflation that devalues today’s accomplishments and robs us of all but the most fleeting contentment. If a B-plus grade made us happy last semester, it’ll take an A-minus to register the same satisfaction this semester, and so on until eventually, inevitably, we fail to reach the next bar and slip into despair.

It’s a recurring theme in happiness literature as well as Buddhist scripture (can’t speak with certainty about other faiths and practices). Eliminate desire. Lower expectations. Show gratitude for who you are and where you are right now.

In my experience, accepting that life isn’t sunshine and rainbows has helped me find relief. I no longer feel pressure to be happy and wonder why my life isn’t better. After all, it’s not supposed to be “better.” It’s supposed to be what it is.

Acceptance is easier said than reached when I am throwing my own pity party. But I think it’s useful to remind myself (and y’all too :-) ) that happiness is usually a matter of changed perspective, not changed circumstance.

  • Matthew C MacCarthy

    This post is far too deep for my rabbit brain, but this does jive with recent happiness research by behavioral economists which concluded that successfully married couples (i.e. those that stayed married for many years and rated themselves as satisfied with their relationships) tent to focus on the positive, are quick to forget the negative, and are easily able to let go of some life goals they had before marriage.

    As a married dude and father, there are certainly trade offs, but Tiffany's reminder that strategically letting-go of "what should" is a clear path to sanity and contentment.

  • Matthew C MacCarthy

    This post is far too deep for my rabbit brain, but this does jive with recent happiness research by behavioral economists which concluded that successfully married couples (i.e. those that stayed married for many years and rated themselves as satisfied with their relationships) tent to focus on the positive, are quick to forget the negative, and are easily able to let go of some life goals they had before marriage.

    As a married dude and father, there are certainly trade offs, but Tiffany's reminder that strategically letting-go of "what should" is a clear path to sanity and contentment.

  • Patricia

    I've always said that constant happiness is unattainable. I truly believe we're not meant to live such highs and lows all the time. The body is always looking for that baseline. People argue with me, of course, because we're raised to believe we deserve happiness, that we deserver "better" but life doesn't know about fair. Life just is. Right now, I'm not exactly happy about my life situation or my recent choices but I'm content with my life. That seems contradictory, I think, but it makes sense to me. Happy comes in spurts, as it should, just like sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. Dealing with life is much easier for me when I think of it in those terms.

  • Patricia

    I've always said that constant happiness is unattainable. I truly believe we're not meant to live such highs and lows all the time. The body is always looking for that baseline. People argue with me, of course, because we're raised to believe we deserve happiness, that we deserver "better" but life doesn't know about fair. Life just is. Right now, I'm not exactly happy about my life situation or my recent choices but I'm content with my life. That seems contradictory, I think, but it makes sense to me. Happy comes in spurts, as it should, just like sadness, anger, loneliness, etc. Dealing with life is much easier for me when I think of it in those terms.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tiffanybbrown tiffanybbrown

      That's what researchers mean by "happiness." It's about overall contentment and well-being. That doesn't mean you are smiley and cheery all of the time. It has a lot to do with your perspective and how well you react to stress or recover from trauma.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/tiffanybbrown tiffanybbrown

    That's what researchers mean by "happiness." It's about overall contentment and well-being. That doesn't mean you are smiley and cheery all of the time. It has a lot to do with your perspective and how well you react to stress or recover from trauma.

  • http://www.ayushsaran.com/ Ayush Saran

    Your thoughts really strike a chord, they reminded me of a introduction to Buddhism I was reading

    "By abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are."

    from http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/intro_bud.htm

  • http://www.ayushsaran.com Ayush Saran

    Your thoughts really strike a chord, they reminded me of a introduction to Buddhism I was reading

    "By abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are."

    from http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/intro_bud.htm

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/tiffanybbrown tiffanybbrown

      It's very much in line with Buddhism, Ayush. In fact, it's pretty much the central tenet of it. I am not familiar with other faiths and spiritual practices, but I know that Buddhism is all about letting go of desire and accepting things as they are right now.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/tiffanybbrown tiffanybbrown

    It's very much in line with Buddhism, Ayush. In fact, it's pretty much the central tenet of it. I am not familiar with other faiths and spiritual practices, but I know that Buddhism is all about letting go of desire and accepting things as they are right now.