My love life. Online.
I know this post is a bit disjointed. I wrote it in a bit of a rush this morning because I wanted to put it out there while I felt inspired to do it.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I blogged about my breakup that started in February 2007, here, on Vox, and on Yahoo! 360. This was shortly before SXSW 2007.
Blogging was cathartic for me. But it also put my ex on blast, and opened us both up to a lot of questions about why we were splitting. I distinctly remember having uncomfortable conversations at SXSW about what was happening, especially since most of my SXSW crew had met the ex at SXSW 2006. The ex was also drilled by his rather large circle of friends and acquaintances.
I even argued with the ex about whether and where I should blog — Vox was the community where my peoples played; Yahoo! 360 was where his friend’s stayed, though I was connected to his friends there. If I had to blog, he wanted to know, why did I have to blog there and not where my friends were?
It made an uncomfortable situation worse — more for him than for me (win!) — but I decided that I’d rethink being so public about relationships in the future.
Then came Twitter, which, thanks to its ambient intimacy, made staying involved in my friend’s lives a lot easier. Even though we were, in some cases, separated by 2,100+ miles and three time zones, we still had this wonderful sense of connection.
SXSW 2008, then, was markedly different. I didn’t need to catch up on what was happening with my friends. We could just enjoy some real-world face time. I felt my online friendships slowly melting into offline ones.
One friendship in particular had changed in a palpable way. After some Twitter conversations, surprising dreams, and a series of private-plurks, I found myself on a plane to Los Angeles for Labor Day Weekend.
First and foremost, our trip was about seeing each other and having fun as friends. We have always had an easy way with each other, and some of the absolute best times I’ve had since 2005 — the year we met at SXSW — have involved him.
But we also knew this was about a potential love thing shaped by, if not directly attributable, to Twitter and Plurk.
We both live our lives in the digital public, and are generally open about things. We also, however, have a sense of privacy and boundaries. This tension came out in weird ways, particularly around whether and what to tweet. Is it an innocent tweet, or a double-entendre? Do I mention our visit to Frederick’s of Hollywood? What about those hilarious one-liners that are almost too good not to share, but would reveal what we did and how?
Ultimately, we were both concerned with how things would be (mis)construed. And what kinds of intrusive questions would arise from those who know us, and those who think they know us?
And while I’m at it, what about us? I’m not sure I was ready to officially state what was up between us, even though our friends knew instinctively. What’s said offline and hinted at through a carefully-crafted, semi-private tweet is, still, in many ways, deniable. If things didn’t work out, the details would be obscured if not concealed.
But what’s expressed publicly and tagged with my name? That’s big. And brave. And Google-able. And cache-able. It’s a huge leap of faith in our friends, our acquaintances, and most of all, in whatever this is between us.
Awwwwww.
That’s all I got.
i remember reading and commenting throughout the breakup. i also remember thinking how curious it was that while you were having to deal with someone being upset about you writing about him, i’d gotten questioned about why i *didn’t* write about a certain relationship. it’s always something, isn’t it?
i think people mean well. at least i’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they mean well when they ask or express interest. we, as you said, are living very digital lives and it’s hard to know exactly where the boundaries lie sometimes. i would hope though, that after this post, those who aren’t really in the know would know better than to ask without really being invited. one can hope, right?
Not disjointed at all. But I guess I’m biased.
Ha! I realize I started this but I’m feeling mad overexposed today. Resisting the urge to "cocoon! cocoon!" <\voice class="high pitched Martini and The Tall Guy">
That’s hot. I say do it.
Revel in it.
Wallow in it.
Like a pig in fresh warm…stuff.
Like noone’s watching.
Hee hee! Yeah, Jason, you did start it. It’s out there though. And I think it will be okay.
This one is the cutest: http://www.flickr.com/photos/msjen/416852930/
Chad, I met online and he moved out here after one 30-second phone conversation that so flustered me that I practically hung up on him. that and a million chats. he’s been here. most of the friends I have now, I met online. some of my oldest and closest ones, too. some of them live down the street and some of them so far away we’ll probably never physically meet and they’re my friends all the same. i don’t understand why people make like this is anyless a valid milieu to interact than anything else. like any of us would show up online without the human component.
gwen, you give me hope
@bryan: that’s from march of ‘07, way before this was even a glitch in the matrix. weird how things work out.
Just remember that it really is between you and him. No one else can add noise or say things that may or may not be true or assumed or implied. Feel what you are feeling, be honest with each other and just forget all about the other people who feel like they know you or know what your relationship is about…
anyway, COCOOOOONNNNN! COOOCOOOONNNN!!!!
@tiffany I personally feel I have no right to butt into your personal business even if you make it public, but I may privately write you just to check in on you because I am concerned as a reader of your blog.
The internet is a hit or miss when you begin to reveal intimate things about yourself and that is why I do not really share that much about my private life. I agree with @anna b/c this is between you and him and not other individuals who may want attention for themselves. Remain true to yourself!
Loved reading this post. It’s open and honest, and your business…whatever it is. The SXSW crew though, you’d have to expect, would be onlookers I guess. That’s what family is about. But still although you’re in the open, you have the right to privacy. Not sure that makes sense, but I hope it does.
Yeah Lynne, I know I expected some teasing or questions from y’all simply because you’ve known us as long as we’ve known each other. If not for y’all inviting me to speak on the 2005 Blogging While Black panel, there’s a good chance I’d still just be blog-stalking Jason.
But online breeds a certain too-easy intimacy, particularly services like Twitter and Plurk where you’re following the ephemera of someone’s day. And there are plenty of folks online and off who aren’t quite inner circle, but aren’t quite outsiders. I think that’s where the issue arises.
Plus, we haven’t defined what this is and what, if anything, we’re going to do about it for ourselves. I know what I’d like to do, but it’s not something we’ve discussed.
I guess we’re both concerned about having the space to figure out what we want from each other and/or our “relationship” both individually and together. So far, everyone has respected that.
I think I may exist in that "not in the circle, but still in the Venn diagram" area. I’ve met you both, have followed you both online since before the 2005 panel. But I don’t feel like I know either one of you, even if I can remember what you’ve eaten for dinner more times during the last month than I can remember what I ate. And this doesn’t seem disjointed at all. But no matter what or how things develop or change or stay the same between the two of you, I wish you both nothing but happiness.
I see an ichat in our near future.
Okay, perhaps I should add “at length.” :-D.
I’m smiling sooooo big right now. Y’all are toooooooo cute!!!!
A beautiful thing.
;oD